*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
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i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Can’t. Being lazy.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*