When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
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My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Brb my Sims are getting married
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.