If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
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Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.