If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
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Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.