If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
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You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”