If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
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cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
the best thing i’ve ever made
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.