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Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Received some very disappointing news today
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
❤️🦆
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!