IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
You Might Also Like
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
🙄😏😂🤣
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
He’s dead
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”