If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
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Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different