If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
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ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
i spent way too long on this
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Just a reminder, folks:
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
the short answer to this question
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism