Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
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me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.