If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
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[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..