If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
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“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
what
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
For the orator and chef in all of us
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.