If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
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Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Hey I worked for it too!
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip