I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
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Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”