If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
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“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”