@SwartyComedy: If Shakespeare were alive today, he'd write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
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@KevinFarzad: Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
@Reverend_Scott: Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch? Oscar: Growing up, my parents were- *stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle* CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
@audipenny: [god, creating chickens] Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don't care