@SwartyComedy: If Shakespeare were alive today, he'd write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
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@hippieswordfish: DATE:[texting friend] he keeps comparing stuff to athletes ME: *returning from bathroom* man they got the michael jordan of toilets in there
@WritePlay: MAN: I'll get pasta & she'll have the salad COW: What's that mean? MAN: Uh- COW: I'm fat? MAN: ... You're a cow? PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
@living_marble: Ann: I wanna break up Ed: why? A: you use time travel to manipulate me E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this? A: well... Hey!
@girlontapas: Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There's liquor and you can't hear them.