If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
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HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Pickled cat.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late