If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
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[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
i wish i could marry a nap
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
I’m not average. I’m mean.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.