Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
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*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy