no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
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I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in