How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
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What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’