If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
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My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.