If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
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earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”