@Neuronicism: If she doesn't have a new hair style by the time you're done, you're doing it wrong.
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@juliussharpe: I'll vote for whichever candidate promises to get rid of banner ads that move when you scroll down.
@joejwest: SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
@PaperWash: me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove] robber: why are u wearing a glove me: I meant to grab my bat lol robber: lol
@TheQuietPsycho: That moment where you playfully punch a kid in the grocery store, and only afterwards realize it wasn't yours.