Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
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There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
this is how life feels
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I’d hang this in my house.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move