if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
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*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Breaking news:
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
That took me a moment.
#dnd #ttrpg
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Dating Tips
1.
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4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”