@ch000ch: if she doesn't reciprocate ur first "i love u", press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say "oh cool u love me too? nice"
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@N0pantz: When I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.
@JoParkerBear: My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won't tell me where I left my laptop charger.
@Brianhopecomedy: Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone's food pics and posting the calories.
@david8hughes: [inventing trees] Angel: what purpose do they serve? God: cats climb em Angel: can they climb back down? God [inventing the fire dept]: nope