so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
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me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another