If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
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[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
“i am a sweet baby”
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
😂😂😂
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?