@chopper4jk: If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
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@Mr_Kapowski: Contrary to what my voicemail will lead you to believe, I am in fact not sorry for missing your call
@abbycohenwl: Guy: If u won lotto, what'd u get? Me: A cat sitter G: To take extra good care of Sox? M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
@tastefactory: I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.