If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
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Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
My dad teaching me to drive
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.