@Jennco_W: Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I'm opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

@AndrewChamings: [proctologist’s office] ME: *unzipping pants nervously* PROCTOLOGIST: You're nervous, that's normal, but please zip my pants back up.

@MrGeorgeWallace: If a gang attacks U say you're on their side & U brought them "gang supplies". They'll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away

@NervousJr: Hey everyone who says aliens don't exist. Explain morning people.

@TragicAllyHere: Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln's hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there