If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
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Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
A game married people play.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle