I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
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Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
time machine? you mean a clock?