streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
You Might Also Like
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie