If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
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Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Milk Cube
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*