If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
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[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
The Weeknd is back
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”