If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
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Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Tell me you get it…🤣
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.