@P1ssed_K1d: If "she'll be riding six white horses when she comes", she's probably a little more woman than I can handle.
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@Beerhaze: My oldest is 14 today. Daddy's baby is growing up. Soon she'll start looking for boyfriends and find them all dead under the floor boards.
@EamonToPlease: My phone just sent me an unsolicited hockey score. Aren't there Japanese horror films that start this way?
@AmishPornStar1: Interviewer: Why should we hire you? Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
@theames: Whenever people announce "I'm marrying my best friend" for a second I always think "oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice".