[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
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While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence