Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
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[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
I’m sorry…what?
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex