If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
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Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED