If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
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“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Perfect.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.