I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
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Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them