Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
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My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Why font matters.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.