If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
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Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.