If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
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Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?