@Parentpains: If six years of marriage has taught me anything its that couches are surprisingly comfortable to sleep on.
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@K_Chapacabra: Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
@shesananteater: One day I'm gonna go to work without my glasses and they're gonna be like, "Who's that hottie?" and I'm gonna be like, "WHO IS SAYING THAT?"
@daemonic3: Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming "But dad we're goldfish" Oh yeah, I forgot "Forgot what?"
@VaguelyFunnyDan: When I saw "likes music" on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!