Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
You Might Also Like
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
IT’S-A ME,
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos