If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
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I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
subtitles are so good nowadays
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me