2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
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What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
my dad has had enough
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before