If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
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I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*