If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
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Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
5 ways to appear taller
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.