@HMittelmark: If somebody at a party tells you they're a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, "DID YOU WRITE THIS?"
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@nv7281: If "The Breakfast Club" were filmed today, it would be a silent movie about 5 teens looking at their phones.
@egg_dog: supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
@Carmel_Coleman: I had a dream I was going to the zoo to throw poop at the monkeys. No, not my own poop, thats just gross. Poop I found on the way to zoo.
@thatdutchperson: [narrating a commercial for therapy] "For a 100 bucks an hour we'll blame your mother."