@HMittelmark: If somebody at a party tells you they're a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, "DID YOU WRITE THIS?"
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@JimmerThatisAll: Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature? Me: Well, I've spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
@laabruzzi: *bumpes into my ex on the street *dials a number Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
@zoevsuniverse: 4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant. I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said: "I never want to do that again."
@Jack_Wagon1: If you've never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you've never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.