If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
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the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
WHO DID THIS?
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.