If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
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[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?